


Edges

by lovestillaround



Series: bingo fest 2019 [5]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Closeted, Coming Out, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 06:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20943554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: Phil is gay and he hides it





	Edges

**Author's Note:**

> for the bingo square: envy

“I want to marry you one day,” Dan says.

Phil wants to answer – _we can’t_. He doesn’t say it. The day is too sunny, he can’t just ruin it.

Dan is open and brave, and he can’t just crush him like this. He needs to lift him up, he needs to make a safe environment for him, he needs to show him that it’s all okay, that Dan has the right to be who he is, even if it’s not the general consensus from humanity as a whole.

He doesn’t answer. He couldn’t answer.

He kisses Dan, and if there’s a bit too much desperation in that kiss – so be it.

*

The day when they could legally marry each other finally comes. It’s the end of March 2014. Phil feels excitement mingled with sadness, or maybe even grief, when he sees the news all over twitter, when he looks at the wedding pictures of that first gay married couple.

His sense of duty tells him that he should be euphoric. He should go to Dan and hug him really close and cry because they finally can do it, they finally have _rights_.

And he knows that it’s good, and he’s happy for others, maybe for himself too, but he’s quite numb about it, and he can’t help it.

*

He’s on the verge of a panic attack at the tube station. There are too many people, and his brain is – well, his brain is just a little bit unfunctional sometimes, sets the alarms off when there’s absolutely no need. And today is one of these days when he isn’t taking it all well – the noises, the smells, knowing that he’s being seen by so many people and has nowhere to hide. Those are all pretty normal things, he has experienced them without being scared, without panicking. Today his brain sees it all as danger.

“Dan,” he says. It offers him some comfort that even Dan hasn’t realised that something’s wrong. It means that other people are most probably completely oblivious to his inner panic. At the same time, talking is hard right now. Explaining anything seems impossible, and Phil wishes they could read each other’s minds, even if it would probably be truly terrifying. He wants Dan to know that he’s unwell without actually saying it.

He feels like the reality is lagging a bit, people pass him by either too slow or too fast. He focuses on one thing for a short moment – a poster on the right – and when he looks around everything seems different than it was few seconds ago.

“Yeah?” Dan mutters. He shoots a glance at Phil and maybe that’s the moment when it all clicks for him. His expression changes, softens. “Is something wrong?” he asks, and Phil wishes he didn’t. Everything about Dan’s face tells him that he _knows_. Why does he have to ask?

Phil can’t answer. He blinks through the tears, feeling embarrassed. He wants them to be alone – only him and Dan. He wants Dan to hold him and tell him that everything is going to be alright.

Dan does a substitute of that. He steps closer. He leans in.

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay, Phil” he whispers, in the softest way possible. Phil feels the air he exhales brushing his ear.

*

Calming Phil down during a panic attack isn’t Dan’s responsibility really, yet Phil wonders sometimes what Dan would do if it ever happened in public. His panic attacks are nasty. He can’t walk, talk, he can barely breathe. Often, he cries. He cries and wheezes, the only thing he can do is to sit down and lean forward, close his eyes and let the disorder take control over his body. It’s not like he has a choice really. He can only helplessly wait until it’s over.

They figured out a way for how to deal with it. Phil doesn’t want anyone to talk to him or touch him when he’s in the middle of an episode. He can barely hear anything through his rough breathing, and he can’t focus on anything anyway. If someone asks him a question, he isn’t able to answer it. If someone touches his, he gets startled.

When his breathing comes back to normal, when he finally starts to calm down – that’s when he can use some support.

At first he was always hiding when he knew an attack was coming – he was embarrassed by it, he didn’t want anyone to see him in a state like this, having no control over his body, no control over his mind. Then once an attack came quickly out of nowhere, with absolutely no warning signs, and Phil had no time to escape.

It was terrifying to be exposed like this, he felt so guilty that he _made_ Dan see it.

(“This is ridiculous, Phil. It’s not your _fault_ that it happens, you know that, right? It’s not your fault that I happened to be around. I don’t… I don’t mind being around, you know? I mean, I obviously wish it didn’t happen to you at all but if there’s any way I can help you, I will –“

“It’s embarrassing,” Phil interrupts him. His voice breaks against his will.

Dan’s gaze is so intense that Phil instinctively wants to hide.

“No, it’s not. Phil… It’s not.”

When Phil breaks down, Dan holds him, keeps muttering _“not your fault, babe, it’s not your fault”_.)

That first time when Dan witnessed Phil having a panic attack, Phil was overwhelmed by Dan’s support.

He thought Dan would start to freak out, but he tried so hard to be calm, for Phil’s sake. He wasn’t perfect. He didn’t know what to do. Phil felt trapped and exposed, and he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t tell Dan what he should do. It was scary.

But afterwards Dan was there, holding Phil and saying over and over how much he loved him.

And in that moment, it was all Phil needed.

*

Dan asks Phil if he wants to go up. He doesn’t really wait for an answer before he reaches into the pocket of his coat, presumably wanting to call a taxi. But Phil keeps shaking his head, and when Dan finally notices that, he looks defeated. But he goes with Phil towards the wall and shelters him from the crowd anyway. He doesn’t judge him. He doesn’t try to convince Phil to change his mind. Phil’s too proud to admit any weakness, but he still accepts this help.

They wait like this. Phil knows that his panic attacks are sudden, that they’re only preceded by a very short period of uneasiness. He knows that he’s long past getting one, but he still anticipates it coming. He’s still feeling bad and anxious, he still doesn’t know what’s wrong, doesn’t know what to expect.

They manage to get home, somehow.

Dan takes a hold of Phil’s elbow when they enter the tube. They find a seat, and Phil takes it. His body is truly trembling at this point, and he doesn’t know how much longer he would manage to stand.

Another advantage of taking a seat is that he can shut himself off, he can close his eyes and try to calm down, and it looks like he’s just taking a nap. Knowing that Dan’s right beside him allows him to do that. He trusts that if anything happens, Dan will protect him.

*

Years later, even more people know and recognise them. It doesn’t make the hiding much more difficult, though. It’s all a habit. They know most of each other’s boundaries and if they aren’t sure, they ask.

There are no expectations anymore. There’s only love and mutual respect.

But then there comes something that Phil wasn’t really that ready for, even though he knew that it would happen at some point, even though they talked about it.

Dan wants to come out.

It appears to be more difficult than they both have anticipated. Trying to come out to his family wears Dan out so much, at some point it seems like it’s an impossible task.

He says some variation of _“I couldn’t do it, Phil”_ after every failed attempt, and Phil always answers with some variation of _“I’m sorry”_ and _“that’s okay”_.

“If only the stupid society wasn’t so shitty, it wouldn’t be such a big deal,” Dan says on another day of yet another failed attempt.

Phil answers that everything comes in its time. That Dan has time. That no, he isn’t a failure. That Phil will be there, always, for him and with him.

*

Still, there are moments when he looks at couples holding hands on the streets and he envies them. It hits even harder when that couple is gay.

Once he almost cries when that happens, when he sees a queer couple having their arms around each other at Starbucks. Maybe he should be looking at Dan, and not past Dan, not at the rainbow imprint on one of the boys’ shirts.

They came here to just drink their coffees, it was supposed to be a relaxing activity.

“Phil, what’s wrong?” Dan asks, and only then Phil looks back at him. “Are you…”

“What?” Phil mumbles, confused. They can’t read each other right now, for some unexplainable reason. They make the wrong assumptions.

“Is it anxiety?” Dan lowers his voice. “Do you need to… Do you wanna go home? Bathroom?”

Phil doesn’t even know why his jaw starts to tremble.

*

They’ve been taking it in steps. They’ve been opening up slowly, slowly letting down some of their inner guards.

But old habits die hard, and being transparent still feels like a hazard.

When Phil faints, Dan goes to the hospital with him. In his video, Phil says that Dan only came to visit him later. It’s a safety measure. He isn’t sure if Dan needs it, but he’s not going to risk it.

Things are complicated. Phil doesn't want to do things just for the show. He doesn't want to give too much of himself away. He sometimes wonders about showing affection in public – is it a form of showing off? Being like – hey, here, everyone look at what we have, look at us and wish you had it too? Or is it just something natural and okay?

Phil doesn’t know.

He doesn’t even need it really, but he thinks that it would be nice to not think twice about gestures and words. He wants to feel free, and he wants them to be themselves. But after years of hiding, showing your true self seems almost impossible. It’s awkward, it feels like he’s faking it all.

The word _gay_ still weighs heavy on his tongue, still has sharp, square edges when he clumsily tries to pronounce it.

But Dan’s body is soft when they hold each other, and maybe that’s the only thing that counts.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr post](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/post/188202317948/edges-rating-t-words-18k-tags-panic-attacks)


End file.
